Jonathan ES Lin
Life · Tech · Faith

The Blues

Oct 5, 2022

Not sure where it came from or how it came to be.

It started before the pandemic started. But the pandemic made it worse.

That feeling of just lying there, demotivated, and not feeling like doing anything. All day. I used to code a lot on the side, but I could not longer do so.

It feels like there is a cloud in my brain. It weighs heavy.

My consciousness knows something is up. Something is wrong.

I slept a lot. A lot. Napped three or four times a day. Stupidly my job was so undemanding that I could do this.

I tried a pill. I vomited, twice. I stopped taking it.

I fought. I jogged. I ran. I drove my car aimlessly. I went out to the malls by myself. I bought a mirrorless camera and tried to pick it up as a hobby. I met up with some people. I went to church.

I had everything. A (new) car. A (new) gf. A high-paying job.

But my consciousness kept dipping. My brain was fogging more and more with this cloud.

One day I realized my eyesight was dipping too. My eyesight started to have a yellow tint. Felt like my field of vision was narrowing, dimming.

In my panic, I sought medical help.

I’m on another pill now. It works. It keeps my consciousness at a functional level. The cloud has started to lift.

I can understand why some people who struggle with this decide to jump off from somewhere.

Welcome to the blues. It never really goes away.